Dear Mrs. Warren Sapp,
The other day, when visiting my practice, I rudely suggested that you deal with your health issues by remarking; "You need to get on a program, join a group of like-minded people and peel off the weight that is going to kill you." It was frank and incredibly shortsighted of me and for that I humbly apologize.
What I meant to say was, please crane-lift your fat, disgusting baluchitherium ass off the couch, extract the twinkies from your nostrils, switch off the flotilla of reality shows on TV, and waddle outside for some exercise. The good news is, you'll burn 300 calories just squeezing through the doorway (assuming you don't apply Crisco to your hips first). That will be your first step to a slimmer, healthier, less ecliptic you! By following my program, you will notice gradual changes.. your breathing will be less short, you'll begin to see these strange appendages called 'toes', fewer children will flee from you, and you'll no longer need to shop at Acme Tent and Awning for clothes. Your health will improve dramatically as well, postponing the date when your family must pick out an appropriate boxcar for your burial.
Please understand that as a health care professional, I am only saying this for the benefit of your health as well as mine (I mean, what if you passed out during an examination and fell on me?).
Also, in the future, please let my office know when you are arriving, so that we may secure any loose instruments that may drift into your gravity well.
Very Sincerely Yours,