Mad libs layoff announcements are even better

Prez wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 20:35:
I swear to god that's the same exact press release every company in existence uses. It's just a form letter that they pencil in different company and game names.

We have made the decision to cease development of Perfect Bark and Neverwild as well as unplug several mildly radioactive projects across our snack cupboard collection. As part of this, we are deflating one of our moose sanctuaries, The Inflatative. These banana peels, along with other cha-cha slides across our sock drawers, reflect a broader effort to reroute unicorn farts and focus marshmallow cannons to set up our pickleball squads for greater success within a wobbly industry potluck. We did not make these kitchen sink tosses lightly, as each lasagna and ferret rodeo represent years of doodling, juggling, and emotional rollercoasters.

Our overall waffle strategy is unchanged: build games that tickle our hedgehogs, continue to grow our biggest enchilada franchises, and create new sock puppets, hovercrafts, and interdimensional platypuses. We have more than forty-zillion goblin-powered contraptions in active development, continued momentum on titles shipping this spooky season, and a strong avocado headed into 3026.

For those directly affected, we are working closely with Human Raccoons and Studio Necromancers to provide enchanted rubber ducks, including severance cupcakes, career potion brewing lessons, and where possible, opportunities to tap dance into alternate dimensions on other squid squads.

🤪

Perfect dark had been in development for 7 years and I am assuming they had nothing of value to show. It also had troubled development, half of the dev team left back on 2022... they also brought another dev team to help but that created a lot of tensions.

Overon wrote on Jul 3, 2025, 11:46:
Everyone loves the boom and bust cycle of capitalism.

I definitely love it more than being stuck in a permanent state of bust/depression like in socialism/communism .

Everyone loves the boom and bust cycle of capitalism.

RogueSix wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 20:55:
- Remaster Freelancer and bring it to Steam

I have been saying this for years. Would be really funny if they could beat Star Shitizen to the punch. (I hoped SC would Freelancer 2 back in 2012...)

Pr()ZaC wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 21:45:
I'd take a total remake of Monolith's Blood.

Wouldn't that be great? But only if they make Jo-Jo the Idiot Circus Boy a boss. He'd have to show up.

Jivaro wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 20:44:

Prez wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 20:35:
I swear to god that's the same exact press release every company in existence uses. It's just a form letter that they pencil in different company and game names.

Ahhh..let's see...
Adams Quitclaim Deed....no...
Adams Divorce Kit....not really....
Adams Residential Lease.....nope...
Adams Last Will & Testament Kit.....it's not that severe....
Adams Durable Power of Attorney.....I don't even know what that means...
Adams Firing Everybody for Dummies Kit - Bam, there we go.

Can I buy "The Last Will and Testament" one a la cart or is it a package?

NKD wrote on Jul 3, 2025, 05:18:

Xeth Nyrrow wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 22:53:
And the hits keep coming! Someone needs to, "wind down" Matt Booty along with his AI boilerplate excuse for why they are canceling things. Microsoft is heading the way of Ubisoft, Sony, and Warner Bros. in competition for the title of worst game company ever. They still have a ways to go but are accelerating their decline. You'd think a company with the kind of money they have (WAY more than everyone else put together) that they could at least do something decent and hire new blood or something.

There are so many "worst company ever" now that it's pretty meaningless. Everyone is realizing that all large capitalist ventures are essentially the same, because you don't get to be large without being an asshole.

I agree but in this case it's not just hyperbole but bad by all accounts. Not only are gamers not happy, but these companies are taking huge losses on their investments. Ubi's stock is in the tank, Sony has burned through hundreds of millions on live service games with nothing to show (aside from Helldivers 2), Warner Bros. wrote off $200 million for Kill The Justice League and then closed Monolith for some strange reason, and now MS is making moves to cut their losses instead of fighting for more market share. So even from their own business/money first perspective they are failing.

Xeth Nyrrow wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 22:53:
And the hits keep coming! Someone needs to, "wind down" Matt Booty along with his AI boilerplate excuse for why they are canceling things. Microsoft is heading the way of Ubisoft, Sony, and Warner Bros. in competition for the title of worst game company ever. They still have a ways to go but are accelerating their decline. You'd think a company with the kind of money they have (WAY more than everyone else put together) that they could at least do something decent and hire new blood or something.

There are so many "worst company ever" now that it's pretty meaningless. Everyone is realizing that all large capitalist ventures are essentially the same, because you don't get to be large without being an asshole.

Just another publically traded company focusing on "big green arrow going up" till the heatdeath of the universe instead of what actually works. Clowns

Xeth Nyrrow wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 22:53:
And the hits keep coming! Someone needs to, "wind down" Matt Booty along with his AI boilerplate excuse for why they are canceling things. Microsoft is heading the way of Ubisoft, Sony, and Warner Bros. in competition for the title of worst game company ever. They still have a ways to go but are accelerating their decline. You'd think a company with the kind of money they have (WAY more than everyone else put together) that they could at least do something decent and hire new blood or something.

It's funny, I know personally about 2 dozen people over the last decade or so that have (or currently still work) for MS/XGS, of those, 3 of them were included in a layoff round and they all were either internally reassigned to another team (2) or they received a severance that exceeded their expectations as well as given ample aid getting hired elsewhere. Everyone that I know sings pretty high praises about working for MS and XGS with how they treat people in Redmond.

I cannot speak for the upper C-suite's opinions, but what I know of the middle-management they do work their asses off to make sure their subordinates are taken care of as best they can.

And the hits keep coming! Someone needs to, "wind down" Matt Booty along with his AI boilerplate excuse for why they are canceling things. Microsoft is heading the way of Ubisoft, Sony, and Warner Bros. in competition for the title of worst game company ever. They still have a ways to go but are accelerating their decline. You'd think a company with the kind of money they have (WAY more than everyone else put together) that they could at least do something decent and hire new blood or something.

Kosumo wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 22:30:

RogueSix wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 20:55:

Our overall portfolio strategy is unchanged: build games that excite our players

Oh yeah?

Listen up, homefucks...

- Give us a new Wolfenstein via Machine Games
- Let Obsidian make a proper Pillars of Eternity III to conclude the story of our 'Watcher'.
- Remaster Freelancer and bring it to Steam
- Then do the same with Starlancer
- Whatever rights you have left to MechCommander: Make a new one or remaster the old ones and release them on Steam.
- Make Blizzard release everything WarCraft and everything StarCraft on Steam.
- Remaster the rest of the Gears of War games to bring them to PC for the first time.
- Unfuck MSFS 2024
- Bring more single player CAMPAIGN content to Age of Empires and make Age of Empires V with a focus on attention to historical detail instead of a focus on competitive multiplayer

That is all. Now get to it. Stat. I ain't got all day...

Be reasonable ..... how about a remake of Minesweaper?

* Minesweeper

And nah. Boring clickfest.

RogueSix wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 20:55:

Our overall portfolio strategy is unchanged: build games that excite our players

Oh yeah?

Listen up, homefucks...

- Give us a new Wolfenstein via Machine Games
- Let Obsidian make a proper Pillars of Eternity III to conclude the story of our 'Watcher'.
- Remaster Freelancer and bring it to Steam
- Then do the same with Starlancer
- Whatever rights you have left to MechCommander: Make a new one or remaster the old ones and release them on Steam.
- Make Blizzard release everything WarCraft and everything StarCraft on Steam.
- Remaster the rest of the Gears of War games to bring them to PC for the first time.
- Unfuck MSFS 2024
- Bring more single player CAMPAIGN content to Age of Empires and make Age of Empires V with a focus on attention to historical detail instead of a focus on competitive multiplayer

That is all. Now get to it. Stat. I ain't got all day...

Be reasonable ..... how about a remake of Minesweaper?

I'd take a total remake of Monolith's Blood.

Our overall portfolio strategy is unchanged: build games that excite our players

Oh yeah?

Listen up, homefucks...

- Give us a new Wolfenstein via Machine Games
- Let Obsidian make a proper Pillars of Eternity III to conclude the story of our 'Watcher'.
- Remaster Freelancer and bring it to Steam
- Then do the same with Starlancer
- Whatever rights you have left to MechCommander: Make a new one or remaster the old ones and release them on Steam.
- Make Blizzard release everything WarCraft and everything StarCraft on Steam.
- Remaster the rest of the Gears of War games to bring them to PC for the first time.
- Unfuck MSFS 2024
- Bring more single player CAMPAIGN content to Age of Empires and make Age of Empires V with a focus on attention to historical detail instead of a focus on competitive multiplayer

That is all. Now get to it. Stat. I ain't got all day...

Prez wrote on Jul 2, 2025, 20:35:
I swear to god that's the same exact press release every company in existence uses. It's just a form letter that they pencil in different company and game names.

Ahhh..let's see...
Adams Quitclaim Deed....no...
Adams Divorce Kit....not really....
Adams Residential Lease.....nope...
Adams Last Will & Testament Kit.....it's not that severe....
Adams Durable Power of Attorney.....I don't even know what that means...
Adams Firing Everybody for Dummies Kit - Bam, there we go.

I swear to god that's the same exact press release every company in existence uses. It's just a form letter that they pencil in different company and game names.