Prez wrote on Sep 18, 2024, 20:54:
First of all, while there is literally nothing that I can say to make the situation suck any less, I know from my own serious health issues and severe family struggles that we sometimes need to talk and be heard; we're not looking for any advice all the time. I know that some of us will speak up and empathize and sympathize, while others will remain silent because they don't really know what to say.

I will offer my own advice based on experience (both with the medical field and with extremely troublesome parents). My stroke should have been fatal, and if it wasn't, I shouldn't be much more than a vegetable now, unable to speak, think, get out of bed, or eat. There is never a hard fast answer that can come with a medical diagnosis. There are possibilities, likelihoods, extreme likelihoods... But no certainties. We all have a date where we will cease to be. You just have the misfortune of knowing yours more specifically than most people do. I don't think that I will make it another 10 years, and to be brutally honest, I don't want to. I live every single day like it's the last day I will spend on this earth. I tell my sister that I love her and appreciate her every day. I tell my son that he is what I am most proud of in my life. Every single time I talk to him. My daughter has long since severed all contact with me but I have given my son a message to give to her that I am not upset, I love her more than life itself, and to try desperately to be happy her whole life.

That brings us around to my parents. They abused me. All 3 of their children are seriously mentally ill because of what they did to us. My mom is the abuser, my dad is the enabler. When I first moved in with my sister a little over a year ago, my mother immediately tried manipulating me and controlling me as if making up for lost time. I had spoken to my therapist about it at length, and she taught me about boundaries. No matter who it is, you need to protect yourself, and the only way you can do that is with boundaries. Create for yourself immovable boundaries for each person in your life that they cannot under any circumstance cross. They won't like it, but that's their problem, not yours. Make it clear that the only way that they can maintain a relationship with you is to honor your boundaries. They will cross them, at least once but probably more than once. Do not break. Do not bend. Your boundaries are yours and they are non-negotiable.

I thought for certain that this would mean that I would never have a relationship with my mother again. I told her that I love her, but I would sacrifice everything to make sure that she would honor my boundaries. And holy shit, it worked. My mom and dad look like they are tasting shit whenever they come over, but they honor my boundaries, and we can have a relationship. Best of luck to you friend. ❤️

Indeed and consequences of breaking those boundaries.

I need to visit my mothers grave. I was gone from the US for only 5 years before she passed. I was in a bad financial way back then and could not even remotely fly back to visit. It’s on the agenda if I ever fly back.

Sorry to hear it Blue. My sympathies.

Having just gotten back into RC planes, a hobby I dearly loved, but abandoned due to a back injury for a couple of years, and then just let it slide for way too long after I recovered, I am reminded of a friend at my old flying club Ft. Lauderdale, 30 years ago, when I first started flying.

He was a very good pilot, and went out of his way to help and teach others, and helped me a lot. At the young age of 40 he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and had a year to live. He decided he would spend a good part of that last year of his life flying his beloved planes as often as he could, building even bigger ones, and challenging himself to fly better. This left no time to help others, and he had to constantly apologize and blow off people who constantly nagged him for help, and didn't know of his condition. Those of us who did picked up the slack. Whenever I saw him getting accosted by a noobie asking for help, I'd run over and offer my services.

Towards the end, even with the cancer affecting his motor skills, and developing a tremor, and his poor health sapping his strength, he was out there every fucking day flying. Even with tremors, the man was an artist in the air, and a better pilot than I will ever be. It was a joy to watch him fly.

He flew every day until nearly the day he died, doing what he loved.

Shit, tearing up thinking about it....

This comment was edited on Sep 20, 2024, 11:26.

BoP said it well. There's an old saying, 'Rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof.' Forget blood. You have oodles of blood relatives out there you'll never know. Even the ones you do know are most likely virtual strangers. My sire is a shitheel and I've never wanted anything to do with him, so I haven't had anything to do with him. All your real friends in this world you can likely count on one hand. Everyone else is an acquaintance of varying degrees. Who'd take a bullet for you? Who'd give you the shirt off their back if you needed it? I have just three people in my life that fit into that category. Everyone else is nothing more than a fairweather acquaintance.

While it's a lot rarer to have a shitty mom than dad, it happens. Not everyone wins the great mom jackpot. I've known plenty of people who fucking hate their mothers. Learn to let go. Learn to move on and not waste time on it anymore. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Efflixi:

What you do in your situation is get as much out of life as you can in the time you have. Doing what you enjoy whether that is travelling, doing sudoku, or whatever. As others have said, having a blood relation doesn't have to be an unbreakable bond which can't be ignored. You are not your DNA. You are the person who lived your life, with the choices you made. The results could have been very different if you had made other choices, but you would have the same DNA.

Personally, in your situation I would just walk away from the family. You have already distanced yourself, time to just "cut the cord". Good luck and best wishes.

First of all, while there is literally nothing that I can say to make the situation suck any less, I know from my own serious health issues and severe family struggles that we sometimes need to talk and be heard; we're not looking for any advice all the time. I know that some of us will speak up and empathize and sympathize, while others will remain silent because they don't really know what to say.

I will offer my own advice based on experience (both with the medical field and with extremely troublesome parents). My stroke should have been fatal, and if it wasn't, I shouldn't be much more than a vegetable now, unable to speak, think, get out of bed, or eat. There is never a hard fast answer that can come with a medical diagnosis. There are possibilities, likelihoods, extreme likelihoods... But no certainties. We all have a date where we will cease to be. You just have the misfortune of knowing yours more specifically than most people do. I don't think that I will make it another 10 years, and to be brutally honest, I don't want to. I live every single day like it's the last day I will spend on this earth. I tell my sister that I love her and appreciate her every day. I tell my son that he is what I am most proud of in my life. Every single time I talk to him. My daughter has long since severed all contact with me but I have given my son a message to give to her that I am not upset, I love her more than life itself, and to try desperately to be happy her whole life.

That brings us around to my parents. They abused me. All 3 of their children are seriously mentally ill because of what they did to us. My mom is the abuser, my dad is the enabler. When I first moved in with my sister a little over a year ago, my mother immediately tried manipulating me and controlling me as if making up for lost time. I had spoken to my therapist about it at length, and she taught me about boundaries. No matter who it is, you need to protect yourself, and the only way you can do that is with boundaries. Create for yourself immovable boundaries for each person in your life that they cannot under any circumstance cross. They won't like it, but that's their problem, not yours. Make it clear that the only way that they can maintain a relationship with you is to honor your boundaries. They will cross them, at least once but probably more than once. Do not break. Do not bend. Your boundaries are yours and they are non-negotiable.

I thought for certain that this would mean that I would never have a relationship with my mother again. I told her that I love her, but I would sacrifice everything to make sure that she would honor my boundaries. And holy shit, it worked. My mom and dad look like they are tasting shit whenever they come over, but they honor my boundaries, and we can have a relationship. Best of luck to you friend. ❤️

This comment was edited on Sep 18, 2024, 21:33.

Everything BoP said Efflixi. We are on a time limit, don't live your life for others.

Efflixi wrote on Sep 18, 2024, 18:58:
For the last 10 years or so I've had this internal struggle with my mom and my now step dad. We have completely opposing beliefs in literally everything and they take it to such an extreme that I don't even want to associate with them at all anymore. But then again, it's my mom... sigh... wtf do you do in this situation?

You realize that your peace of mind is more important than anything else in this world. Consanguinity means fucking nothing. Sharing genetics with someone is not an unbreakable tether that allows them to drag you down with them in to whatever abyss they are hellbent on reaching the bottom of.

I mention my sister and my nephew here infrequently. Neither share familial DNA with me. They are my family nonetheless. I choose whom my family is and so can you.

You stated that you have, roughly, 11 years left. How many of those years are you willing to sit in inner turmoil, discontent, and agony? Doesn't matter that it's your mom. This is about you and the time you have left. How much of that time are you going to waste being miserable? Because, dollars to donuts, neither your mom nor your stepfather are going to feel or share your misery.

Life is never fair. But that doesn't mean it has to suck all the time. Make your choice.

I don't really talk much about my family on the internet but today seems like a good day to talk about it and this seems like a good place as any... My dad killed himself in 2009 due to untreated mental illness but because of everything he did to destroy the family before then I don't really miss him. Might sound harsh but life really was better off without him in his final years. My mom is still alive but she is NOT taking care of herself and recently had a heart attack. I don't know how much time she's got left but I figure it's not very long. For the last 10 years or so I've had this internal struggle with my mom and my now step dad. We have completely opposing beliefs in literally everything and they take it to such an extreme that I don't even want to associate with them at all anymore. But then again, it's my mom... sigh... wtf do you do in this situation? It's really hard and something I struggle with on a near weekly basis. I don't really talk to them much anymore. They made a decision a couple years ago to take advantage of the housing boom and sold their house (never even offered it to me) for twice what it was worth and took everything and moved 8 hours away from me. Then my mom is upset I don't visit more often... sigh...

On top of all that within the last couple of years I've learned I've got my own terminal illness that WILL kill me... slowly. There's no cure, and there's no real treatment either aside from making it progress a bit slower. I'm 44 this year and I'll be lucky to make to 55. The only consolation in this is that my doctor told me it was literally just bad luck and a mutation that caused it. It wasn't my diet, it wasn't inherited, or anything else. So at least it wasn't my fault.

Life just fucking sucks sometimes.

This is a hard day, Blue, and I deeply empathize with you.

sorry to hear this mr.blue. thoughts are with you mate.
im 52 currently and my parents are old and frail, my mum is in very bad health, I have this to come and I'm dreading the day...
stay strong my man, im sure you have made her so proud

RIP Momma Blue. She raised a great human.

My mom past away unexpectedly a year ago on Sept 29th. This first anniversary coming up has been on my mind for weeks. I hope this gets easier.

"I hate the fact that I can't forget today is the anniversary of my mom's death, since I prefer to focus on the wonderful totality of her life, rather than the sad moment it ended."

This is completely normal, I get it twice a year. Moms birthday and day she died. Embrace the sadness, as you were lucky enough to have such a wonderful person in your life that it still makes you feel sad decades later. Sometimes there's a strange happiness about that sadness when you really look at why you're sad.

The first graders who survived Sandy Hook will vote in their first presidential election - NBC

Kids can be amazingly resilient, but they can also be scarred for life by something so horrific. I hope that they are doing okay.

If it's worth anything at all; thanks for posting even on days like these.

Aside from that, I didn't really think about the issue we're facing with space observation vs. radio wave overload from orbit. It's quite concerning.

Huh, the one that always gets me is Elvis. I still remember with perfect clarity the day he died, I was 9 years old. Waking up, getting some cereal, getting the paper for my parents and seeing the headlines "The King is Dead." Waking them up and them being in shock about it - ma was always a big Elvis fan and saw him live twice. Everyone in our little housing complex was up early that day and all outside talking about it. It was a really big deal. And to think he was only 42 - which seemed ancient to me at the time. Then finally hitting 43 and realizing I'd outlived the King. Then, later on going through that again, now being a teen, with John Lennon. It's strange how we reference our own mortality at times. Remember what The Specials said....Enjoy Yourself It's Later Than You Think.