Thank you 1badmf and Sepharo. This is helping me more than I can express. I'm still 'finding my voice' so all this feedback is priceless!

BobBob wrote on Apr 10, 2016, 02:08:
Okay .. Maybe this is better or worse:

The sun rises in a constant motion. Brilliant light rays are transitorily occluded by motionless clouds; penetrating the translucent white palette; diffracting into a prismatic spectrum of neon purple, red, and orange hues, which subtly blend and envelop the sky. As the sun continues to rise, crepuscular light rays transcend the cloud's boundaries, while a spectrum of opalescent colors begin to diffuse, dissipate, and then fade away. Finally, overcoming the clouds, and superposing a blue sky, the sun's brilliant light rays shine in dominance. The result is a singular color that is most expected of the sunlight - yellow.

too verbose for my tastes, but eh, it's better than most of the crap i read. another suggestion: try to incorporate some cadence into your writing. it's easier (and i would argue, more pleasurable) to read when it has a beat to it; usually iambs, but i find dactyls especially fun.

i feel your second sentence is especially chewy with the broken rhythm of the multi-syllabiac words. but then again i could just be overly critical. i've been known to do such things. feel free to disregard my nonsense if you wish.

Okay .. Maybe this is better or worse:

The sun rises in a constant motion. Brilliant light rays are transitorily occluded by motionless clouds; penetrating the translucent white palette; diffracting into a prismatic spectrum of neon purple, red, and orange hues, which subtly blend and envelop the sky. As the sun continues to rise, crepuscular light rays transcend the cloud's boundaries, while a spectrum of opalescent colors begin to diffuse, dissipate, and then fade away. Finally, overcoming the clouds, and superposing a blue sky, the sun's brilliant light rays shine in dominance. The result is a singular color that is most expected of the sunlight - yellow.




This comment was edited on Apr 10, 2016, 02:29.

1badmf wrote on Apr 9, 2016, 02:24:

BobBob wrote on Apr 9, 2016, 01:21:
Thank you so much! This is the kind of feedback that is useful! I am going to print your comment for myself and analyze the writing beside it. If there is a way, and you're willing to do so, I can send you more privately, over time.

i would add, ease up on the alliteration. imo it gets distracting from the content behind the words. i did a writing group with a couple of my friends and he abused alliteration like a pharaoh building a pyramid. i tried to tell him the same thing but he was so self-absorbed with his own greatness he bit my head off rather than listen to my criticism, which is the whole point of a writing group no?

anyway, yeah, you have a good vocabulary and your technique is sound. but don't let your ideas get drowned out by your presentation.

Very good input! I appreciate it!

RedEye9 wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:18:

Retired wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:00:
Lost me at Heroes.....

Likewise, it's all geek to me. I have watched tournaments, youtubes and over the shoulder irl. Color me lost.

But I will find time to watch Blue in victory!

Yea checked out some of it, I just cant get into those.....and so out of the loop I have no idea who any of those people are.....GET OFF MY LAWN!

The Half Elf wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 23:32:
So what your saying is to combat darkness we need more raves?

As for Rogue One, there are a few droids, but really surprised overall the lack of aliens and droids. Yeah a few gonk droids, but beyond human actors in gonk suits, and the cgi ones it really seems to be just a bunch of humans.

And really has noone played the new Battlefront? 4 guys running out against 3 AT-AT's?!?

Look for the droid that keeps following the main character around in the trailer. They never show him in a full shot, but he's there all the time. That's Alan Tudyk's character.

All the best sci-fi is "unnecessarily wordy." When painting a verbal picture of something that resides only in the mind of the author, more description is always better. Rendezvous with Rama, for example, exists only as a wordy description of an alien starship. "Alien starship" has no earthly analog.

The Half Elf wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 23:32:
So what your saying is to combat darkness we need more raves?

As for Rogue One, there are a few droids, but really surprised overall the lack of aliens and droids. Yeah a few gonk droids, but beyond human actors in gonk suits, and the cgi ones it really seems to be just a bunch of humans.

And really has noone played the new Battlefront? 4 guys running out against 3 AT-AT's?!?

Lack of aliens aside, I have to say Rogue One has an impressive cast.
Mads Mikkleson, Forest Whitaker, Alan Tudyk, Diego Luna, Donnie Yen, and especially Ben Mendelsohn. Oddly, I'd never heard of Felicity Jones before, but looks like she's been in tons of stuff. Also, I love the diversity in the cast. One thing missing is more women. Except for Jyn and Mon Mothma, I don't see any other major female characters.

Mendelsohn is an inspired choice for a bad guy. He was so menacing in Animal Kingdom.

BobBob wrote on Apr 9, 2016, 01:21:
Thank you so much! This is the kind of feedback that is useful! I am going to print your comment for myself and analyze the writing beside it. If there is a way, and you're willing to do so, I can send you more privately, over time.

i would add, ease up on the alliteration. imo it gets distracting from the content behind the words. i did a writing group with a couple of my friends and he abused alliteration like a pharaoh building a pyramid. i tried to tell him the same thing but he was so self-absorbed with his own greatness he bit my head off rather than listen to my criticism, which is the whole point of a writing group no?

anyway, yeah, you have a good vocabulary and your technique is sound. but don't let your ideas get drowned out by your presentation.

Sepharo wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 22:46:

BobBob wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:52:
The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness.

The surrounding darkness is pushed away by an inescapable light.

Which phrase sounds better?

Usually "inescapable" is applied to darkness. Though you might be purposefully playing on that by applying it to the light. I think that both constructions, when using "surrounding darkness" and "inescapable light", sort of sound illogical. If the light is inescapable than how is the darkness surrounding? I think I'd go with a different word other than "inescapable" but without the broader context it's hard to say what. Unstoppable, inevitable, incessant (usually neg), penetrating, piercing.

If I'm forced to pick I guess I have to go with the second.

edit: Also the meanings aren't exactly the same the way you have them written there... In the first it's The inescapable light and in the second it's an inescapable light.

I didn't really like the phrase "inescapable light" but it might make more sense in context. Perhaps the protagonist is a vampire?

BobBob wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:52:
The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness.

The surrounding darkness is pushed away by an inescapable light.

Which phrase sounds better?

Always go with the active voice (pushed) over passive voice (is pushed by).

Thank you so much! This is the kind of feedback that is useful! I am going to print your comment for myself and analyze the writing beside it. If there is a way, and you're willing to do so, I can send you more privately, over time.

This comment was edited on Apr 9, 2016, 01:43.

This is good timing since I've been reading Hyperion

I like it. Might be unnecessarily wordy, and I know that's the style, but even then there are some heavy spots.

Also some things come across like too much wordplay. I don't know if it was intentional or not but, for exmaple, all the "tr" words in these few sentences:

Brilliant light rays are transitorily occluded by motionless clouds. A translucent white palette transforms into a dispersion of neon purple, red, and orange, which subtly transfuse, blend and then envelope the sky. Constantly in motion, crepuscular light rays transcend the cloud boundaries, while the neon colors begin to diffuse, dissipate, then fade away.

I get that you're going with human organic descriptors vs cold technical descriptors (right?). But the thing that throws me off is that the technical descriptions are still poetic and even with the italics/regular contrast I'm reading them as the same thoughts... or I'm not seeing one as a stranger's memories vs the narrator. But maybe by this point it would be established well enough that it wouldn't be an issue.

Also I have no idea what I'm talking about.

edit: And "inescapable" is good in the broader context

This comment was edited on Apr 9, 2016, 01:35.

Sepharo wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 22:46:

BobBob wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:52:
The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness.

The surrounding darkness is pushed away by an inescapable light.

Which phrase sounds better?

Usually "inescapable" is applied to darkness. Though you might be purposefully playing on that by applying it to the light. I think that both constructions, when using "surrounding darkness" and "inescapable light", sort of sound illogical. If the light is inescapable than how is the darkness surrounding? I think I'd go with a different word other than "inescapable" but without the broader context it's hard to say what. Unstoppable, inevitable, incessant (usually neg), penetrating, piercing.

If I'm forced to pick I guess I have to go with the second.

edit: Also the meanings aren't exactly the same the way you have them written there... In the first it's The inescapable light and in the second it's an inescapable light.

Here is the context. He's entering the memories of the dead person. There is an entire story of why he's doing it, but I won't get into that here. The ego of the memory engrams doesn't exist, so there is no he/she/it. Actions are the scripted sequences of the subconscious behavior (go here and there) but description and insight still exist, hence italics. Does that make any sense?

What you'll be reading is just the starting scene of a soon to be epic event. A mild character build-up follows as well.

I'm a super amateur making an attempt at writing, and I'm sure it will show. I hope to get much less wordy over time.

Here's a very rough draft...

Through a tunnel of total darkness, a bright image appears, zooming, enlarging and fully encompassing. The still image starts to animate. Memories, sensations, thoughts and emotions transfuse into the mind. The scene turns into action. Immersion is complete.


Eyes open. Facing the office window. Pull a cord. It opens the blinds. Turn around. Walk across the room. Grab the office chair. Roll it to the edge of the window. Sit down. Back straight. Hands facing down. Palms flat on the legs. Look through and beyond the window, gazing at the silent harbor. Docked in a port, the brightly lit cargo ships appear vividly photographic. Still, and without motion, the shining ships, along with the harbor lights, collectively produce a hazy skyglow, bright enough to reveal a cluster of motionless clouds. Deeper into the darkness across the vast and empty ocean, a brilliant glow starts to illuminate the distant sky. Its source slowly manifests itself: the emergence of a fiery-orange sphere, swelling and rising over the horizon. The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness. The sphere's light rays flash and sparkle upon rippling ocean currents; evolving, as an ensemble of light, forming a contiguous reflection that stretches to the shoreline.

The sky looks organic and thoughtful. The rippling effect of the brilliant sunlight upon the ocean surface is hypnotic, as it glistens and sparkles, drawing ones thoughts into a sense of continuity with nature, and a connection to the primary source of all life on the planet.


The sun continues to rise. Brilliant light rays are transitorily occluded by motionless clouds. A translucent white palette transforms into a dispersion of neon purple, red, and orange, which subtly transfuse, blend and then envelope the sky. Constantly in motion, crepuscular light rays transcend the cloud boundaries, while the neon colors begin to diffuse, dissipate, then fade away. Overcoming the clouds, the brilliant sun rays return in dominance. The result is a singular color that is most expected of the sunlight - yellow.

Always beautiful to watch. Though the entire process looks like the prelude to an alien invasion...

A brief glimpse at the yellow sun. It blazes the morning sky. Powerful circumferential rays outwardly radiate a warm and nurturing energy. A scorching spotlight beams at the center, impossible to stare at. It overwhelms and blinds the vision. Close eyes. Stretch. Absorbing the intense radiating warmth; while a cleansing sensation sweats and heats the skin. A powerful glare penetrates the eyelids. The body jolts. It's a soothing timeless escape. The mind is both blank and full. Shielded by the eyelids, concentrate on the sunlight - the cozying warmth, the flashing and strobing light, the fluctuating shapes and colors; a surreal dimension, absent of thought, full of indefinable imagery, for wherever it goes. However, it's a brief mental trip as darkness ensues.

... and here comes the fog...


Water vapors, incubated at night by the cold and salty ocean, later to be evaporated by a blanket of warm morning air, coalesce and crawl upon the land, turning into fog; further obstructing the newly lit sky. It's a battle of tug-of-war. Rays of sunlight shine through sporadic apertures, only to be obscured by the ever-shifting density of the rolling fog. It continuously morphs the atmospheric brightness - light to dark, dark to light, to dark again.

The fog alternates one's feelings between hope and desperation; imbuing a sense of moodiness. It's a struggle for which the sun will finally win. For now, it's still a bit dark outside.


Walk across the room. Push a dimmer switch. Turn a knob. A low-lit chandelier assists in illuminating the room. It provides a sufficient balance to compensate for the hesitant sunlight.

-----

Does the question make more sense now? Feel free to be brutally honest. Perhaps I just suck at writing and that's fine. I should know that before I spend more time on this kind of thing.

This comment was edited on Apr 9, 2016, 01:18.

So what your saying is to combat darkness we need more raves?

As for Rogue One, there are a few droids, but really surprised overall the lack of aliens and droids. Yeah a few gonk droids, but beyond human actors in gonk suits, and the cgi ones it really seems to be just a bunch of humans.

And really has noone played the new Battlefront? 4 guys running out against 3 AT-AT's?!?

BobBob wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:52:
The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness.

The surrounding darkness is pushed away by an inescapable light.

Which phrase sounds better?

Usually "inescapable" is applied to darkness. Though you might be purposefully playing on that by applying it to the light. I think that both constructions, when using "surrounding darkness" and "inescapable light", sort of sound illogical. If the light is inescapable than how is the darkness surrounding? I think I'd go with a different word other than "inescapable" but without the broader context it's hard to say what. Unstoppable, inevitable, incessant (usually neg), penetrating, piercing.

If I'm forced to pick I guess I have to go with the second.

edit: Also the meanings aren't exactly the same the way you have them written there... In the first it's The inescapable light and in the second it's an inescapable light.

BobBob wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:52:
The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness.

The surrounding darkness is pushed away by an inescapable light.

Which phrase sounds better?

I prefer the first one.

SimplyMonk wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 21:43:

BobBob wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:52:
The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness.

The surrounding darkness is pushed away by an inescapable light.

Which phrase sounds better?

I turned the light on.

But God isn't my protagonist!

BobBob wrote on Apr 8, 2016, 20:52:
The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness.

The surrounding darkness is pushed away by an inescapable light.

Which phrase sounds better?

I turned the light on.

The inescapable light pushes away the surrounding darkness.

The surrounding darkness is pushed away by an inescapable light.

Which phrase sounds better?