God: Welcome to Paradise! Here you shall spend all of eternity in blissful contentment at my side.
Gus: I’m so excited! I led a very Christian life.
God: I just have a few qualifying questions, then we can get you checked in…First, did you reject all evidence that contradicts the Bible in the following fields of study…
…anthropology, archaeology, astronomy, astrophysics, biology, botany, chemistry, cosmology, ecology, embryology, entomology, evolution, genetics, geology, herpetology, mathematics, paleontology, plate tectonics, radiometric dating and zoology.
God: Great, On to question #2…based on biblical teaching; do you accept the following as fact - talking snakes?
Gus: Yes, Genesis 3:1
God: Talking donkeys?
Gus: Numbers 22:28!
God: Gods that impregnate humans?
Gus: Of course!
Gus: Numbers 23:22
Gus: For sure! Deuteronomy, Job, Psalms, Isaiah, Jeremiah and Malachi all speak of dragons.
God: What about suicidal, demon possessed, cliff jumping pigs?
Gus: So it is written in Mark 5:13, so I believe.
God: And finally, did you do as I commanded and sell each and every one of your possessions and give all your money to the poor?
Gus: Well….wait, do what now?
God: Um, yeah. Luke 14:26-33 and Luke 18:18-22! I said it twice for Pete’s sake! You have to sell everything you own to be able to inherit eternal life!
Gus: Seriously, I thought that was metaphorical.