A new Community Crunch 355 is the latest newsletter updating us on the goings on at Studio Wildcard. This includes the news that ARK 2 is delayed, and the Diesel fuelled dinosaur hunting sequel is now expected at the end of 2024. Word is extra time is needed to figure out the whole game development thing: "Unreal Engine 5 is incredibly new technology to us (and all developers), and we aim to use this cutting-edge tech to its fullest potential while creating a game with never-before-achieved scope at Studio Wildcard. As we learn more about the engine and develop the sequel, we have adapted our workflows and adjusted our pipelines to accommodate this new next-generation paradigm, and because of everything that involves, we need more time for development." This is apparently what led to the decision to embark on another project in the interim. The team has worked through some of its processes on an ARK remake called ARK: Survival Ascended. This will come to Steam and consoles in August, and will require the purchase of a bundle of ARK: Survival Ascended and ARK 2. There's nothing particularly comedic about the plan, but it seems so needlessly complicated it feels like this is for April Fools' gag. There is a list of LIVE OPERATIONS laying out a roadmap that summarizes the plan:

We understand there will be questions regarding LiveOps for the product, so we’ll review some key areas now.

• Final Content Update: In June for ARK’s 8th Anniversary, we’ll release ARK: Survival Evolved’s final content update, which includes the fan-voted Rhyniognatha!
• Cross-platform: It’s important to note that ARK: Survival Evolved (ARK:SE) and ARK: Survival Ascended (ASA) will coexist but will not support crossplay between the two games. ASA will have undergone profound functional changes which prevent it from being compatible with the previous game.
• Holiday Events: We plan to develop and release ASA-exclusive holiday content that takes advantage of the next-gen pipeline released in mods, so they’re always available to play!
• Official Servers: With the launch of ASA at the end of August, we will be taking down all Official Servers on Xbox, PlayStation, and PC for ARK: Survival Evolved – at that time, the final save-datas from the ARK: Survival Evolved Official Servers will be uploaded for players to re-host on their own servers or play in singleplayer/non-dedi, as well as slightly earlier snapshots. You will still be able to play on single-player, non-dedicated, player-dedicated, and unofficial servers. ARK: Survival Ascended will have its own fully supported Official Network for all platforms.
• Feature Sunset: With the launch of ASA, we will be ending official support for Primitive+, Split Screen, and Procedurally Generated Maps. These aspects of the game will not be ported to the new Unreal Engine 5 version.
• We will look into releasing the source files for Primitive+ for those that wish to repurpose aspects of it for mods.
• ARK: Survival Ascended Updates: The remaster will have regular updates to resolve bugs, introduce new content, balance changes, and quality-of-life improvements for years to come.
• ARK: Survival Evolved Updates: will be limited to crashes and critical bug fixes.

Blue's News accepts no responsibility for the following inevitably hilarious stories.

• The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog on Steam. Actual free game.
• April’s Overwatch 2 patch is too much fun to be a joke.
• Funniest Ubisoft Games to Play for April Fools’.
• Basic Math: Seven Ate Nine announced by Atari.
• ROG ALLY - ROG’s First Gaming Handheld Console (video).
• Among Us - Crewmates are now Horsemates in both Classic and Hide n Seek Game Modes.
• Windpass Password Manager. Thanks Ant. Here's a video.
• Put on your best game face with the Razer Razer—the world’s first shaving mouse powered by Razer.
• Mobile Infantry - War Thunder. Adding mechs.
• Goat Simulator 3 and Catan are swapping their signature livestock.
• Firearms Expert Reacts To CURSED Hot Dogs, Horseshoes & Hand Grenades’ Guns.
• Tom Cruise abandons Starfield cameo after Bethesda bans space stunts.
• 3DFX re-enters the GPU market, shows off an RTX4090-killer with 30GB of VRAM at $1000.

Official patch.

• World of Warcraft Hotfixes: March 31, 2023.

Content creator videos.

• How This Woman Creates God of War’s Sound Effects. Thanks Neutronbeam.
• Fire Giant is EASY - Elden Ring #45 - Carbot.

• Team Fortress 2 Operation Last Laugh.

Thanks Console General.

• Xbox Insider Release Notes - Beta (2304.230329-1700).
• Xbox Insider Release Notes - Alpha Skip-Ahead (2308.230328-2000).

• Dumb phones are on the rise in the U.S. as Gen Z limits screen time. Thanks Slashdot via Ant.

• Twitter begins phasing out legacy 'blue check marks' in latest platform change.

• AMD's A620 Chipset Quietly Arrives Without Full Support for 65W-Plus CPUs.
• StreamFab v6.1.1.4. Thanks Console General.

Thanks Ant.

• Consumer lender TMX discloses data breach impacting 4.8 million people. Thanks DSLReports.
• HIV patients in Scotland CC'd on email in NHS blunder. Thanks DSLReports.
• Why zero trust depends on solving identity sprawl.

Thanks Ant.

• Elon Musk seeks to end $258 billion Dogecoin lawsuit.
• NYPD ignored 93 percent of surveillance law rules. Thanks DSLReports.
• Lobbyists Begin Chipping Away at Biden’s $80 Billion IRS Overhaul. Government of the corp., by the corp., and for the corp. Thanks Slashdot.
• Right to repair, universal charging port mandates eyed to save Canadians money. Thanks Slashdot.

Thanks Neutronbeam.

• Case: Antec Performance 1 FT Review - TechPowerUp.
• Headset/Earbuds: EPOS H3PRO Hybrid Wireless Gaming Headset - Nikk Tech.
• Laptop: Microsoft Surface Pro 9 (Intel) Review - PCMag.
• Monitor: XGIMI MoGo 2 Pro Review - TechPowerUp.
• Motherboard: Cooler Master MasterBox TD500 Mesh V2 Case Review - Neoseeker.
• Motherboard: Gigabyte B760 Aorus Elite AX - PC Gamer.
• SSD: Sabrent Rocket 2230 NVMe SSD review - PC Gamer.

• Maximum PC ends print publication reportedly ending. Thanks RedEye9…

Happy April Fools' Day, the annual celebration of amateur comedy and related tomfoolery. This falling on a Saturday is probably for the best, as there will be less real news to confuse with the jokes. But as always, apologies in advance if we fall for a gag, or mistake a true story for a joke. That's all. Be careful out there (no fooling).

Foolish Round-up
Thanks Ant and Neutronbeam.

Brunch Link

• Data Reveals Millennials Are Weaker Than Previous Generations, Which Could Have Disastrous Consequences. Okay boomer. Thanks Max.

Story

• The iconic pasta causing an Italian-American dispute. Thanks RedEye9.

Science
Thanks Max.

• Scientists make 'disturbing' find on remote island: plastic rocks.
• Alzheimer's May Not Actually Be a Brain Disease, Expert Says.
• Researchers discover birds with neurotoxin-laden feathers in New Guinea.

Media

• I Tried Every New Starbucks Olive Oil (Oleato) Drink (video). Thanks RedEye9.
• NFL 2023: A Decade of NFL Bad Lip Reading.

Creature Features
Thanks RedEye9.

• True Facts: Hippopotamus.
• Shelter put 'best buds' rescue dog and goat up for adoption as a pair.