John Riney III
Subject: Logitech Mouseman Arctic Pro Plus Gold
Ultra Super Hyper Hyper
On the heels
of the recently announced "monitor cooler",
Logitech today announced its latest rodent, the Logitech
Mouseman Arctic Pro Plus Gold Ultra Super Hyper Hyper
Gaming Mouse Plus. Logitech intends to capitalize on
the current trend of super-cooling every concievable
computer component to unheard of levels.
Professor Cccccccccccccccchill, Logitech's most recent
hire, explained the Logitech Mouseman Arctic Pro Plus
Gold Ultra Super Hyper Hyper Gaming Mouse Plus for our
interviewer. Professor Cccccccccccccccchill was hired
by Logitech soon after his experiments with immersing
a ordinary keyboard in 14 gallons of super-chilled chocolate
pudding. "We managed to overclock the keyboard's
scancode buffer," said Cccccccccccccccchill while
taking a fresh toke off a joint, "and were able
to turn on the Numlock light 0.2481 nanoseconds faster
than manufacturer's specifications! Now that's innovation!"
His groundbreaking research into keyboard overclocking
lead Cccccccccccccccchill to begin experimenting on
other input devices.
After some disastrous early work with force-feedback
joysticks, resulting in the violent death of Cccccccccccccccchill's
beloved cat Mitzy, he decided to concentrate on mice.
Cccccccccccccccchill's experimental prototype consisted
of a conventional Microsoft Mouse immersed in a vat
of tapioca. The early results were sufficiently promising
for Logitech to offer Cccccccccccccccchill a $15 million
research budget and a senior position at the company.
Cccccccccccccccchill refined the design somewhat. The
current Mouseman Arctic Pro Plus Gold Ultra Super Hyper
Hyper Gaming Mouse Plus floats in a small basin of liquid
helium, ensuring a thorough cooling effect and allowing
some amazing levels of overclocking. "We discovered
that we could crank up an ordinary mouse's sampling
rate to over 2 GHZ," grinned Cccccccccccccccchill.
Although use of the mouse causes inner ear disorders
to any dogs in the area, as well as localized temporal
distortions, the increase in smoothness in popular games
testers reported slight ill effects from having their
mouse hands submerged in -400 degree liquids for long
periods, but all raved about the increase in control.
"Until my hand broke off," gloated one enthused
tester, "I was having the best game of my life!
I swear I rail-spanked that guy right in the left nostril!
The Mouseman Arctic Pro Plus Gold Ultra Super Hyper
Hyper Gaming Mouse Plus will be on store shelves this
month at an estimated price of US$ 10000000. The high
price, according to Cccccccccccccccchill, is due to
the high hazardous materials handling fees required
by state and federal governments. Still, though, Cccccccccccccccchill
belives that the hard-core gaming set will buy in. "If
you absolutely, positively have to hit your target with
sub-atomic accuracy," says Cccccccccccccccchill,
"get a Mouseman Arctic Pro Plus Gold Ultra Super
Hyper Hyper Gaming Mouse Plus today."