I don't normally swear on this site, and I try to refrain myself from doing so, but what the fuck?! What kind of idiotic moron would subscribe to this service?! Actually let me back up and ask what investor thought this was a brilliant idea?
This is a service for people with shitty bandwidth. If there's anyone using the Internet these days with anything less than broadband please GTFO my Internet! You're causing lag.
"...and in stonks, Fizzy Squeezy Stocklebocks leaped over Droopy Whoopy Bondfluffs, hitting 300-gigglebits to their 150-snorebucks. Meanwhile, in Whimsyland's market, the pancakes reached parity with pogo sticks."