American McGee's .plan 12/27/96

OFFICIAL LLAMA FAQ
by American McGee and Steve Gibson

1. where to find your llamas
2. what to do with your llama
3. what to do if you get caught
4. tips on keeping the llama from biting you
5. how to form a lasting relationship with your llama
.1 what to do if your llama cheats on you
6. how to "please your baby"
7. choosing the right llama for you
8. is my llama tight enough?
9. how to conceal your llama's appearance in public

 

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Section I: Where to Find Your Llamas

This is fairly easy, and possibly the most exciting part, (excluding section 2). go to your local goats & llama pimp and have 40-50 bucks handy. The price of a llama is heavily dependent on your locale. You can find a llama pimp in any major city. Now, if you are particularly charming and limber with your sessions, It is possible to build a lasting relationship (see section 5) and obtain "freebie" sessions. Another tactic but not as reliable is to try and find llamas at your local pub or tavern. courtship of a llama is quite a daunting task though. A good tip is to have a lot of butter to smear on your carrot. Llamas tend to like that a lot. Although there have been a few reports of llamas reacting negatively to a butter smeared carrot. The final tactic, used by many people in the northwest and Europe as well is to "dial a hump" this is an up and coming service where a fresh unused llama will be delivered to your door within 30 minutes, or you get to hump for free! The prices are a bit higher then purchasing from a llama pimp, but you are assured a better quality llama and hump. This is your decision.

Section II: What to do With Your Llama

Once you have acquired your llama you must know what to do with him/her. Mishandling your llama can lead to serious personal injury and possible loss of life. Unlike sheep, llama tend to have little desire to be humped, although this does make the humping more enjoyable in the end. The best approach to handling your llama is from behind. Flipping the llama on its back will usually cause it to kick you in the genitals. Llamas are also not known for their ability to give head willingly. Only experienced users should attempt oral satisfaction with a their llama. Once in place behind the llama you must attain wood. Wood usually happens from just the thought of the llama. (If this is not the case you may have a problem.) Holding the llama firmly by the back legs pop it some wood and go to town. At first your llama may resist, but will soon give in to satisfaction. Get to know what your llama enjoys and it will make the experience better for all involved. By listening to the various "bleats" and "baaahs" you can begin to understand how to please your llama. (See section 7) When finished with your llama be sure to clean off your wood. Also make sure to clean off your llama. A dirty llama is never a happy llama, and you always want your llama happy. Store your llama in a cool, dry box with proper ventilation. Feeding the llama before and after the humping will build a "hump positive" image in the llamas mind. (See section 4) If your llama was acquired from a goat & llama pimp make sure to return it promptly. No one likes a llama thief.

Section III: What to do if you get caught

There are several tried and true tactics for this particular situation. It is not possible to cover every scenario, but hopefully this will give you some guidelines in case the need arises. Please keep in mind though, if your llama is still dirty (see section 2) your chances of a smooth cover up are very slim to none.
-play dumb.
"honest dude, i dunno how he got a hold of my carrot, where did my pants go damn it?!!" This tactic works well when a small child happens upon the scene. It is also suggested to immediately cover your wood. Wood is a dead give away.
-play it off
"llama? what llama? dude your acting crazy..."
Although there have been no reports of this tactic being utilizes successfully, it is always worth trying as a last ditch effort. There have been rumors of a successful cover up in northern Kansas in the late 70's.
-play it cool
"hey mark, was just havin at it with my llama candy, want a turn? she's a real slut..." This is a calculated risk, you are hoping that your unknown spectator may possibly have the need and lust for the llamas that we all share. Sometimes this is your best option, because you may find yourself a new partner for some tag team llama action.
-ignore the person
possibly if you seem really involved in your actions, the person will have the courtesy to not interrupt you.

Section IV: Tips on Keeping Your Llama From Biting You

At least once in every llama humpers life there will be a "biting episode". Depending on your llama this can cause moderate to severe damage on even the most stiffened wood. The primary cause of biting is lack of respect. You must maintain respect between the llama and yourself at all time. You must respect the llama and the llama must respect you. Shoving your wood into the llama’s mouth while it is trying to sleep is a sure sign of disrespect. Always let your llama know what’s about to happen, before it happens. If you plan to feed the llama some wood give it some carrot first to make sure that it is not hungry. Then give it some wood, but slowly. Don’t frighten the llama with your wood. Llamas don’t want to eat your wood, but if frightened or angered they will. Avoid coating your wood with anything the llama might find tasty. Another primary cause of llama bites is smearing your wood with peanut butter in an attempt to win the llama’s favor. Unfortunately, this mainly results in chopped wood.

Section V: How to Form a Lasting Relationship With Your Llama.

One of the key elements in a llama relationship is trust. You must trust your llama, and your llama must trust you. A good sign of trust is when it is possible to bare your wood to your llama without any fear. Llamas love to be nurtured and can never get enough wood. keeping in mind though not to shove your wood at your llama uninvited. (see section 4) Feel free to return favors to your llama and give him / her oral pleasure. A satisfied llama is a happy llama, and a happy llama will be your llama for life. A llama is not afraid to make a commitment, if you are sure your wood has found a home, snatch that llama up young man!
.1 If the unthinkable should occur and your llama is interacting with another mans wood, you have several courses of possible action.
- kill the llama. A dead llama sure as hell wont cheat anymore. That oughta teach em a lesson.
- kill the llama's partner. I've never seen a dead dude maintain wood for more then 5 minutes. Feel free to let the llama get a few last minute licks in though. You don't want it to be too rough on the poor animal.
- Sit down and discuss your feelings with your llama. As stated earlier, you have to trust your llama and understand his / her needs. Perhaps you aren't satisfying your llama? There is a lot of documentation readily available on this subject at your local zoo.

Section VI: How to "Please Your Baby"

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A happy relationship with your llama is essential to good llama humping. Creating and maintaining a healthy llama/human relationship will require effort from both of you. You need to create a sense of trust with your llama. The best way to achieve this is to entice the llama with food. Llamas love carrots and will perform almost anything you wish for a few of these treats. Never trick the llama into thinking that it will receive a carrot for its acts if you cannot provide a carrot. Llamas have been known to seek revenge for such actions. Associate "wood loving" behavior with carrots. This way the llama will want your wood as much as it wants carrots. As mentioned before, never make the llama believe your wood is a carrot or anything else it might like to eat. Eating carrots is fine and dandy, eating wood on the other hand is something you probably want to avoid. Once you have established trust with your llama you will need to learn what your llama likes. Some llamas will accept wood anywhere, anytime, for any reason. If you have found a llama like this, keep it, treat it well, and it will serve you wonderfully for years. Even the most pleasing llamas have desires though. If you find your llama is not really getting
into the act you may want to try some of the following:
Dance with your llama. Llamas love to prance around bleat for a while before humping commences. You may want to hurry up and plant some wood, but from time to time you should appease your llama by dancing around with it. Bleating is optional.
Play with your llama. Llamas are known to love playing games. Llamas have been observed playing many different types of games over the years. Make "hump time" fun time. Play "hide the wood" or "veterinarian" with your llama. Be the llama. As a last resort you may find it necessary to be a llama. Llamas do love wood, but on occasion your llama may want to give you wood. This is natural. Dressing like a llama may not be totally necessary, but simply throwing a sheet over your own head is enough to fool most llamas into thinking you are also a llama. (This is not something you need to do if you are fortunate enough to have a female llama) (see section VII)

Section VII: Choosing the Right Llama for You

When it comes to choosing a llama for yourself you must take several important factors into consideration. One is cost. How much do you really want to spend on your new llama? Some people are happy just getting a llama off the corner for an occasional "quicky". This can soon add up to a sizable expense though. Most people find that it is more cost efficient to just purchase their own llama. You also have less chance of catching any LHDs (llama humping diseases). Next you must decide on the sex of your llama. You may have already made up your mind about this subject, but make sure you keep the following in mind: most male llamas do not want to accept your wood. There are some, and if this is your thing make sure you choose carefully. Female llamas will be more willing to accept wood, but don’t expect just any female llama to like it. Never purchase a llama from a dealer who won’t allow you a "test hump". Basically, do whatever feels right here, but make sure that you AND the llama will be happy. Lastly, make sure that you have sufficient time and resources to take care of your llama. Many people will purchase their first llama not realizing that they must feed and house their llama. As mentioned in Section IV, a hungry llama will gnaw your wood. The first few days may be fine, but once the llama becomes hungry your wood is in jeopardy. Continued lack of food will cause your llama to expire. Dead llamas make lousy lovers. Wood usually hides from dead llamas. Giving your llama a cozy home is very important. You cannot just throw your llama in the backyard when you are finished humping. Other llama lovers might steal or hump your llama. Choose the right llama for you, care for it properly, and you will both be
happy for years.

Section VIII: Is My Llama Tight Enough?

This is a common question among several new llama lovers, and nothing to be embarrassed about. How tight a llama must be is heavily dependent on the owners wood. If you are well endowed, it is possible to get a cheaper "looser" llama and gain similar satisfaction that a less fortunate wood owner does with a tighter llama. If you experience serious discomfort when administering wood to your llama you indeed have a llama that is too tight. This is nothing that a funnel and a sledge hammer cant fix though. Be for warned though, when using the sledge hammer / funnel tactics, your llama MUST be sedated. Llamas are not very keen on foreign objects being inserted into their bodies. On the other hand, if you seem to consistently "please your baby" (see section VI) but you don’t get satisfaction out of it then your llama is indeed not tight enough. Soaking your llama in vinegar, while it sounds tempting to "prune that bad boy back up" is not the answer. Llamas will react quite violently to this, it is by no means endorsed or advised by the Llama FAQ. Do this at your own risk. The US Government approved method for tightening your llama is just giving your llama a proper diet, and several hours on a tread mill each day. A fit llama is a tight llama is a happy llama. Many people have been known to just trade in their llama for a new one though, this is also not an endorsed practice, as when you initially purchase or otherwise acquire your llama you are expected to love him/her and not give up due to such minor setbacks as looseness of ones love hole.

Section IX: How to Conceal Your Llama’s Appearance in Public

Since other people may not understand your llama love you will find it necessary to conceal your llama while out in public. In your car this can usually be achieved by simply putting a wig and some makeup on your llama. If questioned about the llama you need only tell people that the llama is your great aunt who has recently suffered a serious illness and can no longer say anything other than "bleat". Training your llama to "bleat" on command may prove useful here. If all else fails run the other person over. Once out in public you may find it harder to conceal the llama. Some people have had success disguising their llamas as large dogs. Other llama lovers will catch onto this quickly and may try to hump your llama. Most people will be fooled for a short time though. Do not allow your llama to sniff another man's wood. Unlike a dog, once the llama has sniffed the wood it will expect a carrot. If the unsuspecting person does not produce a carrot immediately the llama will most likely kick or bite his genitals. For the most part it is unwise to flaunt your llama in public. If you are lucky you may live in a state that allows "llama beaches", where you and other llama lovers may freely show your llama love. Llama beaches offer you the ability to dance and frolic with your llama on specially designated areas of beach. Make sure not to let your llama near the water. Llamas cannot swim, but think they can.